I’m not quite sure when it happened, but at some point (early on) in my life, I became an asshole.
Not to everyone in general, or at least, not most of the time. Typically I found more creative outlets for my assholery. Like prank phone calls to big companies.
I suppose that these prank calls laid the foundation of these letters I’ve written (real mail, not email – makes it seem more legitimate, I think).
These first few are all from a few years ago, and I don’t know if I really plan on ever adding anymore. But even if I don’t, at least here’s an archive of some of the old ones. I guess I should point out that I use a pseudonym in all of these.
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Tropical Lei Gentlemen’s Club September 21, 2004
I write a letter to a local strip-club regarding their marquee (they always have really stupid sexually-suggestive phrases on it). I tell them how much I love their marquee and club, and offer some sugesstions for their marquee -
Tropical Lei Gentlemen’s Club Followup October 7, 2004
They still have not responded to me, so I send a followup letter letting them no this is no way to treat a “tax-paying Gulf War veteran.” I also offer some more suggestions and warn them not to make a veteran mad. -
Tropical Lei Better Business Bureau Complaint June 9, 2005
Shy of a year later, I show Tropical Lei that I’m still mad as hell and I’m not going to take it. I want repayment of all that I’ve lost because of their refusal to acknowledge me. -
Tropical Lei, the End Result
Go ahead, take a guess and see who the Better Business Bureau sides with. You might be a little surprised. -
McDonald’s October 11, 2004
I write a letter to McDonald’s corporate office letting them know that I do not approve of one of their marketing campaigns. Not only do I not approve, but am offended for personal reasons. Please note that this letter was addressing a specific ad campaign of McDonald’s from 2004 (when it was written) that nobody fucking remembers. -
The Peoples State Bank October 12, 2004
I let The Peoples State Bank know about a grammatical inaccuracy in their company name. I demand they fix the problem, and get back to me. -
Miller Brewing Company August 30, 2007
I inform Miller that I’ve been drinking Miller Lite as my exclusive beer for three years. -
Cocoa Puffs, c/o General Mills August 30, 2007
Short and sweet. I inform General Mills of my planned legal action.