just some quick twitter stupidity:
follow me on twitter: @thelinear
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twitter updates
Because I update my Twitter much more often than I update my blog, here are my last five tweetsfollow me on twitter: thelinear -
Categories
no, weather channel, it’s NOT that amazing.
May 21, 2009 – 7:12 pm
new hijinx.nu feature: prank letters!
May 8, 2009 – 3:28 pm
i put up a new page on the site for some prank letters i wrote a few years back to companies. you can view the page by clicking here, or the link at the top of the site (next to the happy and sad pages)!
the letters are me under various ridiculous pseudonyms acting like a moron to various companies. sometimes i get free stuff out of it, sometimes i get form letter responses, mostly i get ignored.
if i ever decide to write new letters, i’ll keep you posted.
if it WERE automatic, i’d just piss in the sink.
April 24, 2009 – 3:45 pm
look, when someone passive-aggresively demands that people do something, chances are they’re not going to do it… but rather, go out of their way to avoid doing it.
here’s a case study.
This is a urinal from my work. For the past few weeks now, the sign you see above the urinal has been displayed. It’s a little hard to read the sign, so here’s a close-up:
Look, I’ve been working here for years. Literally, years. I’ve wasted more time at this job then I really care to contemplate. In all this time I’ve worked here, I’ve spent a fair share of it peeing at this very urinal. In all that time, never have I noticed a lack-of-flushing problem. I don’t know who wrote this note. Our janitor is a laid-back enough fellow that I don’t think he’d ever give a shit who didn’t flush the urinal, as long as everyone kept their piss inside of said urinal.
But now, thanks to this sign, any time anyone goes into the bathroom and approaches this urinal, they are greeted with this sight:
Maybe next time, leave well-enough alone and don’t start demanding we all start doing something we had, up until this point, already been doing anyway.
Hummus
April 13, 2009 – 2:30 am
It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything, and an even longer time since I added anything to the Happy Page. So let me kill two birds with one stone — Let’s talk about hummus.
Look, I know it’s not a surprise that I would like hummus, but let’s be serious for a moment here: Hummus is fucking delicious. It takes about 5 minutes to make, and to fuck up the recipe you’d pretty much have to be a god damn moron. I don’t know what kind of an asshole would try to dispute any of this, but if you are that asshole, don’t bother contacting me; I’m hummusing it up. Hummus makes me happy.
For some other awesome hummus related-material, click the READ MORE link.
[if it's not already expanded]
when awesome things happen in hockey
March 18, 2009 – 3:28 pm
It’s no secret that i like hockey.
But one thing I really like about hockey, is when teams I hate fuck up badly.
Exhibit A, the Dallas Stars fucking shit up.
Enjoy.
mustache march!
March 1, 2009 – 3:18 pm
I’ve done a lot of stupid things, so really this shouldn’t be too surprising.
In December, after participating in NO SHAVE NOVEMBER and growing a mighty beard (which really isn’t too abnormal, I’m usually too lazy to shave), I made the not-so-well-thought-out agreement to participate in Mustache March. I also convinced a handful of my coworkers to do the same. After planning for months, and growing out a beard in February to ensure a spectacular mustache in March, my efforts have come to fruition.
Prior to shaving, full beard in effect
Originally my thinking was that, if I'm going to do this, do it right: Hogan 'Stache.
That proved to be a terrible idea, so I went with the 80's porno 'stache.
And, so now, I am forced to walk around looking like a rapist. I have a job interview coming up this month, and anyone who willingly hires someone with a mustache is probably not someone I want as a boss anyway. I also have family gatherings to attend to this month, where I will have to explain my more-ridiculous-than-usual appearance. And, of course, not to mention the day-to-day chores and activities that will force me to be in the public’s judging eyes.
I am fucking dumb.
Mystery Science Theater 3000
February 26, 2009 – 3:09 am
I’m not too sure when or how I stumbled upon Mystery Science Theater, I just remember being pretty young but 
knowing right away that MST3K wasn’t just funny as hell, but that it was smart funny. And don’t get me wrong, there’s a time and a place for stupid-funny too; I enjoy watching a man get his head stuck in a cupboard as much as the next guy. But MST3K is a certain addictive humor. And really, what’s better than talking shit about someone else’s great failure of a life’s work? If you’ve never seen MST3K, go buy a few DVD’s, crack open a beer, and watch some dude and his two robot friends make smartass remarks about horrible b-films. Wait, that description sounds terrible.
Look, there’s no way to describe a man and robots in a way that doesn’t make me or the show look completely fucking retarded. You’re just going to have to trust me on this one.
By the way, Mike was a better host than than that too-awkward to be on camera shitbag Joel. I’m completely baffled that so many people disagree. Regardless, Mystery Science Theater 3000 (Mike or Joel era) makes me happy.
screw the bank i work for!
February 22, 2009 – 6:19 pm
Most of you are aware that I work for a bank. Fortunately, I’m not an idiot teller or some other equally terrible entry-level job, however the work is still fairly painful and mind-numbingly monotonous.
Some Canadian fool named Myles sent me this Kids in the Hall skit a few days ago. I’m not so sure it’s supposed to make me feel any better.
And why isn’t everyone using the phrase “I’ll eat pancakes on her grave!”
surgeon general’s warning: wine impairs your ability to blog
February 18, 2009 – 3:57 am
Occasionally, I consciously do things which knowingly make me an asshole.
On Saturday, Bex and I joined a wine club. Surprisingly, they didn’t mention whether the club would be automatically registering me in the Republican Party or if I was expected to do that on my own. I do, however, suddenly feel very strongly about all those taxes I’m paying and probably have an opinion or two about the illegals.
Figure 1 - Look at these fucking assholes
Wine definitely has a certain snob culture surrounding it, and maybe that’s part of the appeal. Which is unfortunate, but it does give me a great idea for a ridiculous site feature that I almost already regret – DRUNKEN WINE REVIEWS.
Intrigued? I bet. Read on.
Figure 2 - Look at this fucking asshole.
Typically wine reviews are undertaken by snooty assholes (see figure 1) talking about aroma and tannins as they drink $400 bottles of wine. However, imagine a drunken asshole (please turn your attention to figure 2) discussing how that last $3.99 bottle of wine purchased from 7-11 tasted like a bucket of ass had been poured into grape Kool-Aid, and the resulting mixture attempted to rape his throathole as he reluctantly swallowed.
Now imagine him trying to type that last sentence while severely intoxicated.
If that’s not good website material, I don’t know what is. I’ll work out the details (i.e. convince Becca that this is, indeed, a good idea) and get to work on banging out some reviews in the near future.
i should be in marketing.
February 16, 2009 – 3:39 pm
So the company I registered the domain name “hijinx.nu” (among others) is having this contest where you make a commercial for them. Being the hilarious person I am, I made three entries. The contest is closed to new entries, but is now having people vote for the winner. The vote is based on the videos’ ratings on YouTube.
So please view my videos, and rate them highly. Use the link UNDER the video, then use that website’s link to YouTube to vote. Thanks!
(CLICK THE READ MORE BUTTON TO SEE THE VIDEOS)
[if you don't see them already.]